Funny Redneck Sayings and Quotes

Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings:

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs

She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone

Darlin.You’re hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention.

Sweatin’ like a whore in church…

I’m as confused as a blind lesbian in fish market…..

That’s handier than a pocket on a shirt.

Well dip my balls in sweet cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens.

Well she’s finer than a frog hair split 8 ways!

Busier then a one legged man in an ass kickin contest!!!

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

If a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his butt when he hops.

Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree.

That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.

Can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a Wal-Mart.

That made my nuts draw up so tight you couldn’t reach them with knittin’ needles.

It’s hotter than the hinges of hell.

He’s ridin’ a gravy train on biscuit wheels.

Ain’t no point in beatin’ a dead horse…’course, can’t hurt none either.

Were closer than two roaches on a bacon bit.

Does a one legged duck swim in a circle?

Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

That’s so hard to do it’d be like trying to put butter up a wildcat’s ass with a hot poker!

That boy is as queer as a 3 dollar bill.

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye.

She has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket.

She’s so ugly when she was a baby her mom fed her with a slingshot

That’s harder than a choir boy in a porn shop

Your mother’s so stupid, she thinks cheerios are donut seeds!

I’m so mad I could spit!

He’s so stupid, he couldn’t find his ass with both hands.

Don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

I’m happier than a punk in a pickle patch.

That’ll go over like a pregnant pole-vaulter.

I’d rather jump barefoot off a 6-foot step ladder into a 5 gallon bucket full of porcupines than…

I’m so hungry, I’d eat the balls off a low flying duck!

Madder than a one legged woman at the ihop.

I’m having more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.

Boy you got about as much sense as god gave a goose

She’s wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister’s wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

Tighter than a skeeter’s ass in a nose dive.

Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.

She’s purtier than a mess of fried catfish.

Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.

He was drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of july.

Granny cooked enough supper to feed Pharoah’s Army.

He couldn’t hit the ground if he fell twice!

Busier than a one armed monkey with two peckers.

Madder than a pack of wild dogs on a three legged cat.

Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.

Busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor.

It’s colder than a mother-in-law’s love.

That’s slicker than greased goose shit.

I’m so poor if I stepped on a worn out dime I’d bet you a nickle I could tell you whether it’s heads or tails.

It’s Hotter n’ hell’s basement on the day of reckonin’.

You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a handfull of rice!

That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob

It’s drier than a popcorn fart.

She was battin’ her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.

His pants were so tight if he’d a farted it’d blow his boots off.

Well, I’d smack the fire out of ’em if they acted that way around me.

Why, it’s so cold here…we got dogs stuck to fire hydrants all over town.

That’s worthless as chicken crap on the pump handle.

It’s hotter than a billygoat with a blowtorch.

He’s as nellie as pink ink.

I’m hangin’ in there like loose teeth.

That smells like the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

That girls jeans are tight enough to see Lincoln smiling on the penny in her pocket.

Let’s make like a turd and hit the trail.

If you don’t use your head, you might as well have two asses.

Duct tape is like “The Force.” It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I’m so hungry, every time I swallow my asshole says thank you.

That’s about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.

If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a June bug.

The engine’s runnin’ but nobody’s driving.

If his brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.

That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load.

I think that boy’s about two sandwiches shy of a picnic.

I think he’s one fry short of a Happy Meal.

It’s hotter than two hamsters fucking in a wool sock in the summer time.

Well I’ll be dipped in shit and rolled in bread crumbs.

Yall come back now ya hear

If i had swing like that i would ride it every night.

Im fittin to shut out the lights

Gonna carry grandma to the store

That would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

That fellers so dumb, he don’t know sheep shit from cotton seed!

He’s about as handy as a back pocket on a shirt.

He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!

You could start an argument in an empty house.

That’s lower then quail shit in a wagon rut!

As poor as field mice.

Her ass looks like a couple of squirrels fightin’ over an acorn in a gunny sack.

That boy was shaking like a dog shittin’ hammer handles.

That truck couldn’t pull a spoon out of a cats ASS!

Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut!

He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.

If duct tape don’t fix’r then you’re not using enough duct tape.

Like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

If stupid could fly, you’d be a jet.

Slightly burned out, but still smokin’.

I’m mad enough to drown puppies.

She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!

He’s about as useful as a pogo stick in quicksand.

Well that just dills my pickle.

You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.

Five gallons of shit in a 2 gallon bucket.

Hard liquor and a hammer oughta fix that

You Might Be a Redneck If…

Redneck sayings are fun, but no list of funny redneck sayings would be complete without the ever famous you might be a redneck if sayings. So here they are enjoy.

You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

The primary color of your car is bondo.

Directions to your house include “Turn off the paved road.”

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

You think Taco Bell is the Mexican phone book

you see no need to stop at a rest stop ’cause you have an empty milk jug.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.

You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.

Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

Your considered an expert on worm beds.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think possum is “The Other White Meat”.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

You think a quarter horse is a ride in front of the Wal Mart.

You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Redneck Sayings shared with us by our Guests

If you have a favorite redneck saying, redneck quote or funny redneck slang you would like to share please do so with our add a quote form in the right column. Here are a few redneck sayings shared with us by our guests.

you’re my favorite turd, I wouldn’t shit ya. ~Submitted by unknown

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. ~ Submitted by Jan (st.louis MO)

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger. ~ Submitted by Dave (AK)

you might be a redneck if your idea of base in music is what you set your beer on. ~Submitted by Jackson (Louisianna)

The ice is slicker than Vaseline on a porn star. ~Submitted by Dylan Barney (Brushton, NY)

he wuz so skeerd he shit spagetti for a week. ~Submitted by unknown

Country Contradictions, Hillbilly Humor, Silly Sayings and lots of other stuff I have said, will say or have heard someone else say.

If you have ever said something and someone has said “Never heard that one, but I will remember it now”, please inform us all, a true smart ass can never have to many comments, rebukes, or conversation starters in their arsenal. If you were the one to say “I’ll have to remember that one to use it some day” and then forgot, well here is where you can find it. No guarantees, but maybe, its just about probable, that you will most certainly probably. ~Submitted by Angela (Irvine, Ky )

You might be a redneck if your weekly mass is the prayer before the national anthem at the PBR events. ~submitted by Evan Sordillo (America)

he is so stupid he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel. ~Submitted by Alex (jonesboro)

If you can’t duck it f**k it, if you can’t f**k it duck it. ~Submitted by Nick

It got so quite you could hear a mouse pee on cotton. ~Submitted by keith (leighton,al, USA)

Redneck Sayings pages created by our Guests

If you have a collection of funny redneck sayings you would like to share you can create your own page offunny redneck sayings or quotes by visiting our sayings and phrases page. Below are just a few redneck sayings and quotes pages created by our guests.

Southern Voice: a few funny redneck sayings and a photo of my pet dear.

Redneck Stomp Jokes: you might be a redneck if your lady can do it faster than you and more…

Redneck Laughter: very funny you might be a redneck one liners.

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Thank you for visiting this collection of funny redneck sayings and redneck quotes. I hope you enjoyed them. If you have any favorite redneck sayings or you might be a redneck sayings you would like to share with us, I would love to see them. Simply use the form below to share your favorite redneck sayings.